


I’m numb

by we_were_so_tiny_happy_and_shiny



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Cancer, F/F, Fluff, M/M, Treebros, galaxygirls, mostly angst but there’s alos some fluff, no one trusts jared, sick!jared
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-07-27 13:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16220375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_were_so_tiny_happy_and_shiny/pseuds/we_were_so_tiny_happy_and_shiny
Summary: It’s not their fault.They fell in love and want to spend time together. It’s his fault for standing there and letting it happen.Now Jared’s home alone.He’s alone when his life completely falls apart, and now he has to convince his friends to come help him in his time of need





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Slightly inspired by ‘Muriel’s Wedding’ 
> 
> Anything that’s inaccurate please let me know so I can fix it.
> 
> I’m just basing my facts on the movie

Jared was sitting on his bed, in his shitty apartment, in his shitty town. 

He was playing a video game, he can never remember the name, and had been for hours. 

It was 6 pm right now. The rest of the group will be seated at their restaurant by now, probably talking about something interesting. Talking about anything but him.

He knew it wasn’t his fault. He knew that he couldn’t control that there was an odd number of people in their group, and neither could he control that all his friends had gotten together but him. He missed his chance to get with one of them, and now he was forgotten behind a wall of kisses and dehydrating love.

The group had gone on a double date, leaving him here to mindlessly destroy computerised zombies in a video game.

He had no right to be upset with them. They had a right to go out as couples. He wasn’t aloud to be upset.

He was happy for Evan, he was. Evan has spent years in the shadows, afraid of getting burnt by the harsh light of the real world. But now with Connor, who came with his own assortment of restraining issues, he was a different person. He was brave enough to go confront a teacher who had marked him wrong, he was confident enough to sign up for the play, and land the main role.

Jared sighed and stood up, throwing his controller onto the bed and walking out of his cloud of misery, which seemed to follow him wherever he went. 

Before he crossed through the door way and stepped over the clashing of different carpets, he pocketed his phone, which was sitting on the small desk beside Jared’s door. 

He stumbled out into the hallway and walked down to the kitchen. 

He noted that when he goes back to his video game, he should put on socks, because the cold tiles of the kitchen stung his feet as he walked towards the pantry. 

Jared grabbed the kettle and poured enough water to reach the max line into the metal jug. He placed it on its perch and flicked the on button. 

He moved and grabbed a ‘2 Minute Noodle’ cup and pulled back on the tab, pulling the lid back slightly. He grabbed the packet of chicken flavouring from on top of the uncooked noodles and tore it open, dumping it inside the cup.

He dawdled around waiting for the kettle to be done, and when he heard the lever flick he reached over to grab it. He carefully poured the boiling water into the plastic cup and once it was full, he flattened the foil lid and sat up on the bench, almost too hungry to wait for it to be done.

Jared thankfully did wait until his noodles were ready, grabbing his cup and ripping the lid off completely. He reached into the draw beneath him and pulled out a fork, which he stuck into the noodles before he began shovelling them into his mouth.

It wasn’t long before all remnants of the noodles were gone, and any left over water had been slurped up by Jared, so he tossed the cup into the trash and the fork into the sink among the mountain of unwashed dishes.

He was on his way back to his room immediately after that, and deflated when he heard the roars of the TV from his room. He must’ve forgotten to pause his game. Shit.

He was nearing his door at the end of the hallway when something suddenly snapped. There was a sharp pain in his lower back and it was growing. Fast. He ignored it however and was about to turn the corner when the pain increased immensely with a flash.

Before he could process it he was on the floor, leaning on the walls as his only means of support. 

It would be easy to haul himself up and walked the few steps into his room so that he could just collapse against his bed, but when he attempted to move, he couldn’t. His legs wouldn’t move.

His legs wouldn’t move.

His legs wouldn’t move.

His legs wouldn’t move.

Jared instantly started to sweat, feeling a storm of anxiety brewing inside of him. 

He tried to push himself up with just his arms, but he still couldn’t move. He wasn’t strong enough to even move off of the floor.

Jared’s first thought was to call out to Evan, and the boy would come running out of his neat room to help him. But then he remembered, Evan’s with Connor.

What about Alana? She’s always happy to help, and if she knew what had happened she would’ve come running. But a memory supplied the fact that she was with Zoe now. She care more about Zoe, which was fair.

But now he was alone.

Because all four of them were together tonight, and he was home alone like the loser he is.

After spending a moment or two on a completely work wind of panic and confusion, he got an idea. Digging around in his pocket, he pulled out his phone, which now had cracks decorating the screen like a dream catcher. 

‘Maybe phones don’t hold up so well when they’re smashed against a wall.’ Jared thought bitterly. Nonetheless, he unlocked his phone and tapped on the ‘Messages’ icon. He frantically typed out a message and waited for a reply.

‘JustKidding’ has logged on

JustKidding: Jesus fuck guys I need help

‘420joints’ has logged on

420joints: jared we’re busy, can you play around with us later?

JustKidding: No I’m not joking this time

420joints: like we’d believe that jackass

 

Jared sighed. Maybe he was a jerk. He had pulled pranks like this far to often, and now that he was serious they didn’t believe him.

‘Starrylegs’ as well as 2 others have logged on

Starrylegs: Jared we rnt here for ur stupid jokes

Starrylegs: we’re trying to enjoy a nice dinner together for gods sake

JustKidding: But I’m not joking this time I swear

Librarianlesbian: We’ve fallen for that one too many times Jared 

Itsnoteasybeingtrees: besides jare, I think we’d know if you were actually in need of our help

Jared rolled his eyes. He was in need of help right now, yet they had the audacity to tell him otherwise. He deserved it.

420joints: why don’t you just go fuck yourself for the next hour so that we can enjoy our night.

‘420joints’ as well as 3 others have logged off.

Jared screamed and hit the wall as of it would make them believe he needed help. All it would do was get them another complaint from the neighbours.

Jared had sat around for another ten minutes or so, mindlessly panicking. 

It’s wasn’t until after he hand punched the wall hard enough to leave a dent that he decided to try calling them.

He decides that ringing Alana first would be a smart idea. 

He was wrong.

He had been left while the phone was ringing, and was ignored by Alana.

He was ignored my Alana 3 times.

He decided calling Evan was worth a shot. Maybe Alana’s phone was dead? Or maybe she forgot it?

He clicked Evans name and watched as he was ignored again. He called another two times, but was ignored until his fourth attempt, when Evan actually picked up.

“Hello Jared.” He heard Evan sigh from the end of the line.

“Evan, please. I’m not joking I swear.” Jared pleaded into the microphone.

“I- we’ve fallen for this too many times Jared, you’re just going to scare us or cover us in some random gooey shit.” Evan was much better at confrontations now that Connor was always with him.

“No, Evan I swear I wo-“ Jared was cut off by the beeping of the phone as the call ended.

That was enough for Jared to crack. Big, deafening sobs flew past his lips as his face scrunched up. If he could’ve moved his legs they would’ve been pulled up against his chest.

But he couldn’t move them. And he was stuck in the floor of his and Evans shitty apartment.


	2. Enter creative title here:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for bad spelling and grammar I wrote half of this late at 12 in the morning and the other half on the bus

It had been 43 minutes since Jared had called Evan. Jared had counted every minute since Evan hung up on him. How fucking pathetic.

He was still sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall. Looking at the dent he made in the wall made him feel sick to his stomach. Another thing to blame him for.

His face was dry now, but covered in dry tear tracks that no amount of scratching could erase. 

Anxious thoughts were running through his head like roadrunners.

What if he died here?

What if Evan decided to stay the night at Connor’s and he was stuck here until tomorrow?

What if Evan died and he was stuck here forever?

What if he never walked again?

What if he pissed himself sitting here?

The swirling storm that had been brewing inside the pit of his stomach was now a full on hurricane, smashing against the walls of his belly and swirling the noodles he had eaten almost up and out of his mouth.

He groaned, gently banging his head against the wall behind him. 

He pulled his phone towards his face and flicked it on, hissing as the bright light flashed in his face. Jared would’ve thrown his phone across the hall if he could easily go and pick it up again. 

But he couldn’t, because if he threw it away he might never get it back, but that depends if Evan comes home or not.

His phone read 6:48 pm. The others had probably finished all their food by now, except Connor. Jared knew Connor always took ages to eat. He probably had just swallowed the last bite of food on his plate. Fuckin twig.

It wouldn’t be long before they would leave the restaurant, but who knows when they would come home. They often went for long walks or drive after dates, leaving Jared home alone (which he usually appreciated). But this time, he needed Evan, and he didn’t know what would happen if they decided to stay out till the early hours of the morning.

Then, as if God himself (or maybe it was Bob Ross) had been watching over him, his phone buzzed suddenly, snapping Jared out of a haze of pure panic. He snatched the phone up from the floor beside him and squinted through the glare the phone created.

On the screen there read a notification, a message from Evan.

Itsnoteasybeingtrees: Hey jare we’re almost done so if you set up any pranks or traps you better take them down or else I’ll...

Jared groaned and turned his phone off, letting it fall down into his lap. Of course Evan would just assume he’s pranking them. Of course they all assume that. Does he joke around too much? Too much that they can’t even tell when he’s being serious?

Jared felt hot tears sting his eyes and he let them fall down his face, load sobs once again breaking the silence that had once dominated the apartment.

Once his sobs had quieted down the thick blanket of silence fell on top of him again, only to be broken by loud music blasting from his phone.

The Bee Movie intro was playing, something that Connor had dared him to do, and still made the group chuckled when Jared’s phone went off.

But this time no one chuckled. No one laughed. No one smiled. Jared only frowned when he saw Evans smiling face on his screen.

He picked up the call, intending on growling into the phone but only his dad raw voice rose up from his throat. 

“Hello?”

“Hey Jared, it’s me, you probably knew that because you had my contact but oh well. Er, we’re just leaving now, so I’m being serious when I say you better not have any pranks set up because I swear Connor and I will plan revenge on you, and-“ Evan had been speaking freely, because that’s what he did now. But for a second he stopped, which didn’t happen often anymore.

“Jared? You’ve normally said something by now.” Jared wanted to punch Evan right now. He could picture the scene, with Evan pulling that stupid face he always does when he’s not sure of something. If he’s standing up he would’ve paused walking, opting to lean against a wall instead, with an arm behind his head. 

If he was sitting he would be resting his cheek on his enclosed fist, shifting his weight on the seat he was on and anxiously tapping his feet.

“Uh, yeah- Nothing’s-“ Jared paused for a moment, so that he could swallow the oncoming tears about to burst from inside of him. “Nothing’s been set up Hansen. It offends me that that’s what you assume I do every time you come home.” 

Jared was a terrible actor. Everyone knew that. He couldn’t lie about gifts and presents or surprises, which often got him in a lot of trouble. But if he was desperate, he could fake a smile and make a mask of asshole-ness and stupid jokes to wear over a face of insecurities and self loathing. 

He heard Evan sigh from over the phone. “Jared, I’m not assuming, you do that every time I go out. I’ve come home covered in oobleck too many times.” 

Okay, good, Evan had bought his lie. The rest of this would be easy. “Well I haven’t put anything up this time, you’ll be safe when you walk in. Connor can walk in for all I care, and you know he’s fucking scary when he’s mad.”

Jared heard a bark of laughter from the other side, followed by a round of other laughing. 

“Jared I have you on speaker.” Jared groaned loudly, not caring if the others heard him.

“Well, fuck you Evan, and fuck the rest of you.” He tried to mask his still swinging emotions with a joke, but he wasn’t sure if that one would pass. Had he sounded too upset?

“Right back at you, Kleinman.” He heard Connor yell, causing the others to laugh again. “We’re all going home now, so you can stop feeling left out.”

What the fuck?

“What’s making you think I fell left out?” Jared hissed. He didn’t care about hiding his emotions anymore.

“You keep texting and calling us saying you need help when you definitely don’t and-“ Evan was cut off by a loud screech from Jared.

“How would you know if I need help or not! You ignored my texts and Evan, you fucking hung up on me! How could you possibly know when I need help?” Jared was yelling by now, screaming into the phone as if it would make a difference. 

“Jared, it’s okay to be upset that we left you alone, but screaming at us for something we can’t help is-“ 

“No! You cannot fathom what is happening at this very moment. Why can’t you just believe me for once?” He felt his voice break in his last sentence as tears cascaded down his cheeks.

“Jared, we’re just walking down to Connor’s car now. We’ll be about 20 minutes. If something’s actually happening, we’re coming, but I’m going to move out if you’re just joking.” Evan’s calm voice became a slight bit more panicked, something that didn’t often happen with Connor around, as he spoke into the phone. His voice seemed a lot clearer and louder, so he was either yelling or he had turned off speaker.

“Okay.” Jared’s voice was raw and filled with emotion, mostly emotions that he’s rather hide away. They could probably hear him crying quietly through the phone. “Bye.”

This time Jared didn’t feel angry when Evan ended the call. He felt calm. And scared.

Evan would be around 20 minutes my now, and Jared new it would be the longest 20 minutes he’s ever had to live through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was shitty sorry
> 
> This was also a day late uh oh
> 
> Next chapter coming soon
> 
> Have fun watching me be late again


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> meh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for not updating, school started and I had writer's block.
> 
> Read the notes at the end for details on when I will update.

Jared was right. It was the longest 20 minutes he’d ever known. Maybe it was more than twenty minutes. 

He didn’t know after he threw his phone across the hall.

Oh. Did I mention that he threw his phone? After 7 long minutes had passed he threw the only thing he could reach as hard as he could at the wall on the other end of the hallway. That item happened to be his phone. 

So, here he was now. Slumped against the wall and sitting on a far too scratchy carpet. 

He felt like a child. A baby. 

A big baby who throws things against walls in fits of rage. Who can’t walk. Who needs other people to rescue him so often it’s considered normal by now.

A big baby who can’t stop crying. 

He tried. He tried very hard to stop the pathetic hiccups that slipped past his lips. But he couldn’t. They kept coming, like a rainstorm, pouring and pouring until the clouds were empty. 

Jared didn’t bother to wipe his eyes dry, but opted to let the salty tears slowly be reduced to nothing but small tracks trailing down his face.

“I’m so sorry.” Jared pushes past the lump in his throat. He wasn’t sure who he was talking to. Maybe he was talking to Evan. Maybe to Connor. Maybe to the girls. Maybe he was apologising to himself.

As the sun slowly descended further over the horizon, Jared was bathed in darkness. 

Like a quill being dipped in a pot of ink.

He was stuck here until someone pulled him out of the pot. But no one was going to pull him out. No one wanted to. He didn’t want anyone to.

 

After what seemed like hours, Jared heard something.

 

Something that shattered the sound of silence that was ringing in Jared’s ears.

 

He heard distant music playing, gradually getting louder. He recognised this song. It was one of Connor’s favourites. Were they actually here?

 

Jared tried to stretch up so he could see out of the window, but that didn’t work because A: He’s not Elastigirl and B: because his curtains were pulled shut. 

 

But Jared didn’t need to see out the window, because after a few moments he heard a key in the door and the squeak that came when wood slid across wood. 

 

He could see a distinct light from his position and the end of the hall, which was growing larger and the door swung open.

 

A wave of relief crashed over him, knocking him over and digging him face first into the sand of anxiety.

 

“No bucket of slime, so far so good.” Jared could hear Evan mutter to himself as he strode into their first floor apartment.

 

He could hear Evan’s shoes tapping on the wooden floor boards as he stepped cautiously around.

 

Evan walked around the small space in front of the door, Jared assumed from what he could hear, and was probably searching for set up surprises. 

 

When the footsteps ceased to be heard, Jared heard a groan. He could hear Evan’s heart thumping harder in his chest. 

 

Because Jared wasn’t lying. 

 

“Jared? Where are you?” Evan’s voice was strained, and he was obviously trying to stay calm. 

 

“In here.” Jared sounded gross. The lump in his throat made talking hurt,

 

“Where the fuck is ‘here’?” Evan shouted and his voice echoed off the thin plaster walls.

 

Jared chuckled quietly to himself. Was he really important enough to make Evan curse? No, Evan was probably just angry that he had hurried home for such a stupid reason. “‘M in the hall.”

 

Evan’s shadow blocked most of the light that had flooded into the hallway. 

 

He gasped quietly and bent down, almost picking up Jared’s phone, now a pile of glass and metal ground into the carpet.

 

But that didn’t matter right now. Where is Jared?

 

Evan stood again, squinting through the darkness. He made out a figure in the Corner at the end of the hall. Jared. 

 

He ran down the hallway, as fast as someone would be willing to run in a pitch black hallway, before crouching down next to what he thought was Jared.

 

Evan quickly pulled his phone out of his jeans pocket, fumbling with it until the torch flashed on, and putting it face down on the ground to that the light flooded into the dark space, illuminating the boy’s faces. 

 

Evan almost jumped out of his skin when he saw Jared’s face, pale with red splotches all over from an estimated hour of crying. His eyes were puffy and his lips were bruised and almost bleeding from his teeth grinding into them.

 

“Oh Jare,” he murmured, bringing a hand up and rubbing Jared’s cheek with his thumb. “What happened? Why are you on the floor?” Evan’s voice was surprisingly calm, Evan with the anxiety visibly latching onto him and sucking like a leech.

 

“I was walking and then-“ the urge to sob and crumble into Evans touch was tempting, but a reality that Jared couldn’t bare to live through, so he swallowed hard and continued speaking. “And then my back was all like, hot and painful and then I was on the floor and I just-“ 

 

He was cut off by a sob that had failed to be hidden away. “I couldn’t feel my legs.”

 

Evan’s face went through many emotions, changing by the second, resembling a gambling machine. 

 

“You can’t feel your legs?” He asked as if his anxiety was finally beginning to flood over the edges. He watched as Jared shook his sickly pale head yes. ‘Oh my god Jared. Are you joking? You’d better not be joking Jared.” 

 

“I’m not joking Evan. I can’t feel them at all.” 

 

“Why on earth didn’t you call a fucking ambulance?” Evan shouted, flailing his arms. “Fucking hell Jared! This is fucking serious!”

 

Jared was cowering in the corner, breathing shakily and curling in on himself. “I don’t know. I just thought I would ask you to help because you’re always like, there. But you said you were sick of my stupid jokes which is fair because they’re horrible and mean and then I was scared because I can’t lose you because you’re my only friend and and and and.”

 

Evan’s face softened as Jared’s sobs filed the deafening silence surrounding them.

 

“Jared. I wouldn’t leave because of your jokes, okay? I just wanted to spend some time with my boyfriend and I thought you were angry that we went out.”

 

“No! No no no. You and Connor are incredible together!” Jared exclaimed, uncurling slightly and staring up at Evan. “You’ve become more like, confident, and he’s less emo and shit.” 

 

Evan chuckled and rolled his eyes. “Less emo, Jared? You’ve really got to word things better.” 

 

They sat together for only a short while, recounting what had happened, but mostly just trying to calm the other down.

 

It wasn’t until Jared started to cry quietly next to him that the situation fully set in.

 

“I have to go. I need to get Connor. Stay here.” Evan got up and began to leave. “You can’t walk so disregard that last statement.” He called as he dashed out the door. Jared’s giggles slowly died out, as he was left to bathe in the light that Evan’s phone provided. 

 

The darkness wasn’t so dark anymore, like he was pulled out of the inkpot, and the ink was slowly scratching off of him and onto the paper. 

 

Then he heard shouting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I started this in the mid-semester holidays and am updating it two weeks later, probably more.
> 
> I'll be updating on weekends, but I'm Australian so ?? Idk just google Australian clock whatever. 
> 
> I have assessments to work on and tests so updates may be strained in the next few weeks, but soon I'll be on summer holidays and I'll update pretty often then :)
> 
> Also that one moment where Evan screams at Jare is dedicated to the person who asked my why he didn't call an ambulance, and my friend who looks like Peter Pettigrew (she asked me to say that)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> wow im so fantastic i can't update on time woohoo.
> 
> it's tuesday afternoon im a fucking failure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boop

“What?”

 

“I said that you needed to fucking get down here!” Evan yelled from the entrance of the apartment complex, which he was now stepping away from. He was storming anxiously up the pavement towards the trio. 

 

“Connor you have to come now, _please._ ” Evan repeated himself once again, watching as Connor’s face morphed from one of confusion into one of pure rage. 

 

“Fucking hell. He promised! He fucking promised!” Connor seethed, stomping past his boyfriend and towards the scene of Jared’s crime. “This is fucking it. It’s over, okay? He’s being such a fucking dickhead!”

 

Evan instantly followed after him, wincing at Connor’s words.

 

Connor’s words, that if Jared heard, would almost certainly ruin their friendship.

 

“Actually, that’s not _exactly_ what happened.” Evan piped up from a few steps behind a steaming Connor.

 

“Don’t defend him! You’ve been sticking up for that piece of shit long enough! All he does is fucking screw us over!” Connor turned to look at Evan with red eyes. 

 

“You need to calm down Connor. Please don’t get mad. We really don’t need you to flip out.”

Even with Connor’s constant reassurance over the past two years, his bettering anxiety easily crumbled from beneath him and sent him plummeting down a dark pit of anxious thoughts. But today, at this exact moment, the pit seemed bottomless. 

 

“No! He promised you! We ended our night early so he could stab us in the back.” Connor was back to aggressive stomping, walking as if he were escaping a burning building. 

 

Evan followed him as he knocked the apartment door further open than it already was and strode into Evan’s dark apartment. 

 

“Jared!” Connor roared into the stale air and you could almost see steam billowing out of his ears. 

 

Jared’s sobs were surprisingly audible from were they were standing, which was probably not a good thing. Connor’s fist tightened and his jaw tensed before he made his move.

He walked coolly but not calmly towards the hallway and began to speak. “Show yourself, you little bastard. Or are you too afraid to face the consequences after you fuck up?”

 

Jared was curled up (or at least his top half was) and the force of his sobs were visibly jolting him. He seemed almost too afraid to look at Connor but simultaneously too afraid to not look him directly in the eye as he was scolded.

 

Connor watched him from the opposite end of the hall with immense distaste. “Look at yourself.  You’re pathetic. Do you feel like shit now? Do you feel fucking guilty now!?” Connor screamed the last sentence and he was so angry,Evan was worried he’d burst into flames.

 

“Connor please listen-” Evan’s pathetic cries were dismissed by a wave of Connor's hand.    
  


And then, before Evan could even process it, Connor was walking with the intention of perhaps death (not really dw) toward the small boy in the corner. 

 

A small flame of confidence was ignited inside him, a kind of confidence that no matter how hard he tried, Connor couldn’t muster up inside. He felt his legs move and his arms spread out, and then there he was, blocking Connor  from moving any further towards Jared. 

 

“Connor stop!” Evan screamed, staring Connor in the eyes. “He didn’t do anything! He just- He just. He like, can’t feel anything from the waist down.” Evan was panting, even though he hadn’t run at all. He watched Connor’s face shift through emotions once more, back from anger to confusion. 

 

“What.”

 

“That’s why he called us, he was trying to ask for help. And he’s been sitting here for almost an hour, completely helpless. We have to help him.” Evan kept his voice quiet and soft, as though to keep Jared from hearing a word he said. 

 

“Oh my god, Evan.” Connor seemed frozen, until his head snapped up to look over Evan’s shoulder. “Oh my god, Jared!”

 

Taking advantage in a moment of Evan’s frozen, confused stature, Connor pushed past him and hurried down the hall to where the shorter boy was quaking.

 

Connor worked slowly and effectively in calming Jared down, hugging him to his chest and counting his breaths.

 

It may seem unlikely, but Jared and Connor were great friends. They’d been almost attached at the hip from halfway through senior year. 

 

~~ Ever since Connor’s attempt. ~~

 

Jared was in the same rehab facility as Connor when they met properly. Connor was shocked to see him there. He was supposed to be ‘normal’. But he wasn't. And so they bonded over the dark corners of the teenage mind.  No insults, no snarky remarks, just two teenagers bonding over the deprecating feeling of loneliness.

 

Jared was the one to properly introduce Evan and Connor. He was the one to suggest they start dating.

 

Though, even with their close bond, they were both incredibly prone to fights. With Connor’s Anger issues and Jared’s short temper, along with a wide range of mental illnesses belonging to the both of them, triggered a lot (and I mean a lot) of screaming matches, their weapons words that cut deep into one’s soul until it eventually bled out. 

 

But the boys never got that far. They never cut words deep enough to injure. (They aren’t actually cutting each other btw)

 

They were still close however and Connor, somewhat secretly, cared for jared almost more than he did for Evan.

 

“Oh my god Jared. Are you okay?”

 

He watched as the boy in his arms shrugged and felt as anxiety coated his insides.

 

“What happened?” he asked quietly and shakily which was terrifyingly out of character for him.

 

“Evan already told you as far as I know. Anything below here is completely numb.” Jared explained, gesturing to just above where his legs were.

 

He felt a hand being placed on his shoulder and looked over to see Evan’s face beside his. How long had he been next to him?

 

“Con, what do we do?” Evan asked quietly, looking over Jared and at Connor’s distraught face. 

 

“How would I know? I never lost feeling in my legs as a kid!”

 

The couple continued discussing possibilities while Jared was curled up in Connor’s arms.

 

“Should we call an ambulance?” Evan asked quietly, just above a whisper.

 

“No! I’ll be fine. It’ll probably go away soon anyway. I can just stay here. Wait it out.” Jared exclaimed and shifted awkwardly in Connor’s arms.

 

Connor and Evan shared a look before responding. “It would at least be safer if they came to check on you. Better safe than sorry?” 

“We could drive him if we needed, but I agree, it would be safer if we called them, Jared.” Evan told him softly.

 

“No. I don’t need it. I’m fine!” Jare insisted, feeling tears prick his eyes. The arms around him tightened and he heard the voices around him whisper soothing things in his ears.

 

“We’re calling them and that’s that.” Connor’s voice was almost always sharp and sure, and this was no exception. Jared kept his mouth wired shut as the two above him discussed a plan. 

 

He didn’t really listen. He was too busy shoving his face into Connor’s grey dress shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that you had to read this.
> 
> also i have exams all week this week and a few next so updates will be slow but i'll make sure theyre long.


	5. 5 cronch cronch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I lied to my self

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really sorry I didn't update but I did warn you. Good thing is that all my assessments are done for the year!! I spent ages studying (for the first time I actually bothered to study wow) and im waiting for the results.
> 
> I Got 78 percent on science so wow and an A in religion?? im not even religious help
> 
> Sorry, the chapter is shorter than I wanted it to be but I've started the next chapter so I'll hopefully get it out this weekend like im supposed to.

The ambulance arrived not too long later, while Jared was sobbing into Connor’s shoulder.

  
  
The girls were inside now and were watching from just inside the door, holding hands and huddling together.   


  
Evan was still beside Jared, silently offering moral support.   


  
He had to pull Jared away from Connor when the paramedics came in because when Connor tried Jared only gripped on tighter.   


  
A round woman (who reminded Jared of Mrs Weasley) wearing a uniform crouched down beside Jared and smiled softly.   


  
The lady, ‘Margaret’ it said on her name tag, was the calmest person onsite, and kept her voice clear and quiet as she asked Jared some pretty basic questions.   


  
“Hi there, I’m Margaret, nice to meet you.”   


  
“Hi. ‘M Jared.” Jared didn’t look up as he spoke, instead focusing on the loose threads of carpet that were scattered across the apartment.   


  
“Well, Jared, can you tell me how this happened? Something about losing feeling in your lower half?”   


  
Jared nodded and responded quietly. “Yeah. I was walking and then I couldn’t feel them and fell over.”   


  
Margaret nodded her head and continued with her questions. “Can you feel anything at all? Can you move your toes or anything? If you touch it will you feel any stimulation?”   


  
Jared shook his head and blinked back the tears that were stinging at his eyes. “Nothing. It’s like they’re not there at all.”   


 

Her hand reached down to where his toes and foot met, and she squeezed gently, or maybe it was hard, he couldn’t tell. “Can you feel this?”   


  
Jared shook his head disappointedly. “No.”   


  
Margaret nodded again before standing and heading out the door. “I’ll be right back guys.” She pulled her partner, a tall man (not as tall as Connor though) with flaming red hair styled to look like Eugene Lee Yang, out with her.   


  
The man walked back in after a moment, introducing himself as Oskar before explaining the situation.   


  
Margaret was going to get the stretcher from the ambulance and they were going to take Jared to the hospital.   


  
The thought made Jared almost throw up. He could feel the slush in his stomach swirl around and around as if his stomach was a mixing machine.   


  
That’s when his memory went a bit patchy.   


  
He remembered seeing Margaret walking through the front door with the stretcher, and he remembered being wheeled out after he was strapped into it.   


  
He does remember the ride to the hospital, when Connor sat beside him, holding his hand almost the entire time.   


  
Margaret wasn’t sitting in the back with them, instead driving as fast as the growing traffic would allow her.   


  
Oskar sat beside him and asked him dozens of questions, some of which Connor had to answer because Jared either, didn’t know the answer, or was too fazed to answer the question properly.   


  
“Are you two dating?” Oskar asked, fiddling With some machinery with a small smirk on his face.   


  
Jared was reduced to a spluttering mess, and Connor had to suppress a laugh, caused by Jared’s reaction, and reply to Oskar. “Nah, he’s a single Pringle, I, however, have a perfectly good boyfriend.”   


  
Oskar chuckled and folded his hands in his lap. “Ah yes. Are you planning to get married anytime soon?”   


  
Connor made a noise of disapproval. “Maybe one day, but not too soon, we’re all still in college and he’s majoring in Environmental Science. He’s been super excited about getting into the college he wanted and he said he wouldn’t give it up for anything.”   


  
Oskar nodded before he responded. “Good for him then. Give him my best wishes in his classes if you could. Becoming a paramedic was one of the most important things to me, and I didn’t stop until I managed to get a position in the hospital.”

 

Connor nodded with a small smile. “You have anyone special?”

 

Oskar chuckled and nodded. “I've got a wife and a thirteen-month-old baby.”   


  
Conversations continued for the next long portion of the drive. Topics were brought up, discussed and then dropped. The cycle repeated for a while.   


  
“So, Jared,” Oskar began. “What was the last thing you ate? I need to know so we can try and get a rough diagnosis to give the doctors.

 

The thought that _doctors_ would have to diagnose him in a _hospital_  was a bit scary.

He still replied relatively quickly, with Connor's worried eyes watching him. “ 2-minute noodles.”   


  
“Nice. How do you eat them? Do you drink all the juice stuff first or do you eat the noodles first? Or are you one of those weird people who just swallow it all at once?”   


  
Jared chuckled and shook his head. “Whoever does the third one is out of their mind. I, a simple man, always eat the noodles first and drink the soup after.”   


  
Oskar laughed and high-fived Jared.   


  
They heard Connor scoff from beside them and mutter, “I’m disgusted.”   


  
The conversation that continued further on was calming, forcing Jared’s nerves to hide behind a barrier, almost completely smothering the feeling of anxiety that had previously crashed over him like a wave.   


  
“Fucking hell!” A shout from the driver's seat shocked all three men in the car, but that was nothing compared to when the sirens went off.   
  


The sirens were on. They were only on in emergencies. Was he in an emergency?   
  


Well, obviously you idiot.   
  


But was he really worthy of the sirens going off? Would he die if they didn’t get to the hospital in time? Would he walk again? Is this the universes way of telling   
  


“Hey, Jared.” Connor’s calm voice flowed over him like that of creek water spilling over smooth stones as it travelled towards nowhere. His anxiety was smothered when Connor reached across to grab his hand and squeezed it tightly. “Calm down, buddy. You’re okay.”   
  


Jared nodded and took in a deep breathe. He really did not need to panic right now.

 

“Buddy, what’s happening is that there’s a lot of traffic at the moment, and we’d rather get you into hospital as soon as we can instead of waiting an hour or more for the traffic to pass. The sirens are gonna make everyone give way to us and then we won’t have to wait to get you into the hospital. Nothing to worry about.”

 

Jared nodded again and squeezed Connor’s hand back.

 

He was going to be okay. 

  
With the growing lack of traffic in their way and the distraction of Oskar and Connor, the ride felt (and probably was) pretty short.

 

Jared’s stretcher was unloaded and Oskar pushed him through the paramedic entrance while Connor walked beside them.

Connor had said goodbye to Margaret shortly before he had to say goodbye to Jared.

He squeezed Jared’s hand in favour of hugging him,( since Jared really didn’t feel like too much physical contact at the moment) and watched as Jared was wheeled off before he found a seat in the waiting room and waited.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh mi god i made it to the end of another chapter
> 
> i don't really know wat to do for the next chapters ??? i have a few ideas and a sort of plan in mind but im not really sure. 
> 
> suggestions please???


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My dead ass can't handle updating regularly lmao
> 
> two weeks and school's over yeet
> 
> let's get this show on the road
> 
> Sorry this is short i didn't really try this time but i will for the next chapter

 

Connor spent hours waiting in that waiting room, sitting in a painfully uncomfortable chair, watching anime on the hospital’s laggy wifi. 

 

Evan had walked in with the girls trailing behind him, and all three made their way over to where Connor was sitting, with his body bent at an odd angle so he could lay his head on the armrest.

 

With the expanse of never-ending traffic, it took them almost an hour to get to the hospital, and by the looks of it, it took them long enough for Connor to almost fall asleep.

 

Evan sat gingerly beside his boyfriend and, on instinct, brushed a curl of hair that had snaked across his cheekbone and tucked it behind Connor’s ear, stirring the latter ever so slightly.

 

“Ev?” Connor shifted his gaze to Evan and attempted to sit up. Evan’s hand, however, pushed his head back down onto the rest.

 

“Sh, babe. Sorry, I woke you up, Stay there.” Evan’s voice was soothing and lulled Connor back into a groggy haze. “C’mon, let’s move you. That can’t possibly comfortable.”

 

Conor sat up and Evan forced his head down to lay on his shoulder. Connor, when he wasn’t busy trying to be an edge lord, was always a slut for cuddling. He would always curl up into Evan’s side when one of them slept over and would never let Evan go, which has become a very serious issue in the past.

 

~~~~

 

“Connor?  Can you let go for a moment?”

 

“No, why?”

 

“I really need to use the bathroom, Con.”

 

“You can do that later.”

 

“No, I can’t, babe, I’ve been waiting since six last night. Can you just let me piss?”

 

~~~~

 

But tonight, Connor just wanted comfort. “‘S my fault.” He mumbled quietly into the soft fabric of the dress shirt covering Evan’s shoulder.

 

Evan frowned and shook his head. “Connor no, as far as we know nothing anybody’s done could’ve caused this. Just destiny.” 

 

Connor snorted quietly and shrugged. “I guess, but maybe if we had listened to his calls and texts we could’ve gotten here sooner. Then we probably would've had the results by now and we would’ve taken him home and everything would be fine, but because of my dumb ass we completely ignored him and just made things worse for everyone and-” 

 

Connor began to sob quietly, so quiet that it seemed to make Evan’s heart crack a little more. “No, Connor. None of this is your fault. I completely shut him down when he called me, I’m more to blame. I made him cry. That’s all my fault, not yours.” For some reason, he didn't feel that shift in his stomach that usually came with the realisation that he’d made a mistake, however tiny it might’ve been.

 

“I’m the one who told everyone to ignore him. I told you to say that on the call. I made him cry. I went into your apartment and screamed at him!” Connor was a mess, and Evan was surprisingly calm through all of this. Connor was in Evan’s usual position, shaking and crying in Evan’s arms. 

 

“Babe, he’s alright. He’s going to be alright. He would never be mad at you for misunderstanding. You apologised, remember? You helped him calm down and you stayed with him in the ambulance. It’s going to be okay.”

 

Even though Connor continued to cry, he had calmed down a great deal, letting Evan comb his finger through his curly hair. (Which is not matted because he takes great pride in his goddamn gorgeous hair you meanies >:0)

 

Zoe and Alana were both sharing the seat next to Evan and were pretending that they didn’t hear their conversation, Connor’s heartbroken voice cutting through the buzzing in all their heads.    
  
Soon Connor was asleep with red and puffy eyes along with Alana, who was passed out under Zoe with smudged mascara and eyeliner. 

 

“I feel bad.” Evan said quietly as he stared at the wall opposite him. His arm was wrapped around Connor’s shoulders and the other was loosely holding onto the armrest that Connor wasn’t sleeping on.

 

“Me too.” Zoe’s hand moved on top of Evan’s. “But as you said, it’s not really our fault this happened. Sure, if we listened we could’ve gotten there sooner and calmed him down faster, but we couldn’t have stopped what happened with his body.”

 

Zoe had a point. A very compelling point. 

 

“I know. But just think about how lonely he felt when we basically told him he meant nothing to us! We told him to leave us alone because we were too busy with each other to give a shit about him!” 

 

“I know.” Zoe squeezed his hand and let the conversation dissolve into nothing but guilt floating around them in a subconscious fog.

 

Soon Zoe was asleep and Evan was alone.

 

He stayed awake for the rest of the night, waiting for someone to come and tell him that Jared was fine. Maybe this was all just some stupid prank. Jared would walk out and stand inf ront of Evan, both legs in perfect condition, and would laugh at them for taking him seriously. 

 

He’d probably tease Connor for months. Connor barely ever cries, the only times he had where when he was either high or drunk. He’d just go on with his life and so would they, if Connor hadn’t already killed him out of pure rage.

 

It wasn’t until almost two in the morning when a man walked into the waiting room, looking around, for someone.

 

“Kleinman?”

 

Was he talking about Jared? It was a possibility that there was another ‘Kleinman’ in the hospital.

 

“Anyone here for a ‘Jared Kleinman’?”

 

Evan did a double take before he elbowed Zoe, who toppled off of Alana and onto the floor. 

  
  


“Yeah! That’s us.” Evan stood up slowly, which in turn woke Connor up. The man nodded and motioned for them to follow him.

 

Once everyone was properly awake, they followed nervoucly behind the man.

 

“Is he going to be okay?” Connor asked the man, with a desparation in his voice that Alana had never heard before.

 

The man only continued walking, as if Connor hadn’t asked a question at all.

 

He stopped further up the hall next to a door and pushed it open for them. 

 

“He’s all yours. Good luck.”

 

Evan nodded as he walked past him into the room, trying not to look desparate as he did so.

 

What he saw was completely unprecedented. 

**Author's Note:**

> This was meant to be a one shot but I wrote too much:/
> 
> I used italics and bold text for some parts but it didn’t copy onto A03 so I’m sorry 
> 
> Constructive criticism is appreciated :)


End file.
